C.J.
Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except than his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.

SAM
Actually. I have a thing. I have a thing I was going to mention, just a proposal to throw out there. When I was a congressional aide, we had an expression, “no idea was too stupid to say out loud,” so here it is, bear me out. [beat] Instead of buying these ships? Don't buy these ships. Buy other ships. Better ships. That's my idea.

SAM
Well, there's a reason why they don't cost a lot of money. They're 20-year-old single-hulled VLCCs that nobody wants. When they hit things, they will break. And they will
hit things, because they don't have state-of-the-art navigation systems. They don't have G3 tank gauging, or EM-5000 engine monitoring, the recommended staletronic, or
electopneumotronic ballast.
MR. GAGE
[chuckling] And yesterday, he didn't know the difference between a ship and a boat!
MR. LOCH
Sam, I thought you told us that you covered our liability.
SAM
I did. Strictly speaking, I did. But there's a broader liability to think about. People drove past Exxon stations after the Valdez.


JOSH
[into phone] Look, Operator, I'm looking for the number of a law firm in Manhattan. Here's the thing, I can't quite remember the name of the firm... no, wait, wait, wait!
I just came back from New Hampshire, where I saw this guy and now I have to... Look, it's a very famous firm that handled Shearson, you must know... Okay, you know what, I'm just going to - okay, bye.

SAM
The Amoco Cadiz, 68 million gallons of crude oil off of Brittany, France. The Braer, a Liberian tanker, 26 million gallons off the Shetland Islands. I just pulled these off
the internet last night! The Exxon Valdez. The Aegaen Sea. The Argo Merchant. Look it up!

BARTLET
[to Abbey] We don't know what the injury count is, yet.

LEO
I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!

LEO
We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill.

JOSH
Donna, this is a campaign for the Presidency, and there's nothing I take more seriously than that. This can't be a place where people come to find their confidence and start
over.
DONNA
Why not?

C.J.
Hey, Spanky.
SAM
Oh, God, what did I do?

ABBEY
Leo, is there any food in this room that isn't fried?
LEO
Well, if there is, let's get rid of it.

JOSH
[pointing at Sam] Yes!

C.J.
Psychics at Cal Tech and the FERMI National Accelerator Lab are close to announcing what...
JOSH
Physicists! Theoretical physicists at Cal Tech...
C.J.
Not psychics?
JOSH (VO)
No.
C.J.
I should jot that down.

C.J.
I tell you if it was psychics I'd lead with it.

C.J.
Thank you. You can set 'em down and let Josh rant a little before you hang up the phone.

TOBY
C.J.
C.J.
Yes, ma'am.

SAM
C.J.
C.J.
Oh, Holy Interruptus, Batman!

C.J.
Somebody poked him a little to see...

SAM
He died, C.J.!
C.J.
Well, okay, then I shouldn't have made a joke.
SAM
I'm almost certain he's dead.
C.J.
Sam!
SAM
I was making a joke, too! What, you work alone?

C.J.
And as a special treat for our friend, Josh Lyman, who's recovering very nicely at G.W., The President's Science Advisor is telling us that psychics at Cal Tech and the FERMI National Accelerator Lab.....
[Josh begins banging the back of his head against the headboard.]
C.J. (OS)
You know what? I'm pretty sure that was supposed to be physicists.

BARTLET
Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?
SAM
It's the inability to form arithmetic functions. I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
BARTLET
Yeah, but I'll get over it.
SAM
Good for you, sir. That's very mature.
BARTLET
Shut up.
SAM
You're not over it yet, are ya?
BARTLET
No.
SAM
Okay.


MARGARET
Do you know what 'acalculia' means?
ZOEY
Yes, because I got it at breakfast.


C.J.
Well, you work for the White House, Toby. I think we were counting on your support, either way.

LEO
Sir, let's play a game of "Who do you think I'm going to agree with?" Fourteen doctors say you should wait another week before you assume a campaign schedule. Who do you think I'm going to agree with?

SAM
Ah...Well, that's my office over there. (points to his area) And the President works in that round room over there. (points toward the Oval Office) And nobody else really matters. Come on in.

C.J.
You get my support the same way I get yours. When I agree with what you're saying or when I don't care about what you're saying. This time I disagree.

TOBY
How to avoid the appearance that we're randomly and generically going after extremist groups in violation of their civil liberties.
SAM
We can avoid that appearance by not doing it.

SAM
It's not an uncommon way to get around the Bill of Rights, Toby. I'm surprised it took you three weeks to come up with it.
<'cause Sam thought of it within three hours, but knew it wasn't right ;)>

LEO
[to Zoey] Because your father is a demented, demented man. I'm going over there.

BARTLET
And he has come back. Like crabgrass pulled from the lawn. Not by the root, but by the other thing.

SAM
You know, laws like this were passed in the south during the Civil Rights movement to root out members of such terrorist organizations as the NAACP.
TOBY
I knew you were going to say that.
SAM
Yes, you did. By the way, the Supreme Court struck down those laws as unconstitutional.

SAM
I told him we would stand by him. I told him he would have our full support. I was the one who asked him to run. I was asked to ask him.
LEO
I know.
SAM
We walk away now, that's it. He's a racist! The White House just said so!


BARTLET
Hey, Sam.
SAM
I wasn't sure whether you'd be stopping by the Talk Radio reception. I scratched out a few remarks for you.


BARTLET
Have you tried them?
SAM
I... yes, reluctantly. I think it was clear from the way I ate the crab puffs that it was a gesture of protest.
BARTLET
Were they good?
SAM
Extraordinarily good and going very fast.

BARTLET
[to Jenna Jacobs] Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. (small chuckles from the guests) She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, and always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working
on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important, 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes us unclean, Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be
together to stone my brother, John, for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads?

BARTLET
Think about those questions, would you? One last thing, while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tightass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
[Jenna Jacobs squirms in her seat but doesn't rise. Bartlet glares meaningfully at her. She finally rises out of her seat.]

SAM
[to Jenna Jacobs] I'm just... I'm gonna take that crab puff.

TOBY
I think you're all freaks.

JOSH
After four months and 400 million dollars, everything stayed the same.
SAM
Yup.
JOSH
Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try
to destroy it?
TOBY
God bless America.
SAM
(beat) God bless America.
C.J.
God bless America.
DONNA
God bless America.
JOSH
God bless America.

SAM
A young, blonde, leggy Republican.
MARK
Yeah.
SAM
I thought it turned out they didn't know anything?
MARK
They don't.

MARK
You'll be opposite Sam Seaborn. He's done the show a couple dozen times; the White House wouldn't keep sending him if he didn't keep wiping the floor with whoever's in your chair.


MARK
Hey, Sam.
SAM
Yeah.
MARK
This one might know something.
SAM
[quietly] Yeah. [to himself] Please, oh, please, let them not be watching.


JOSH
Toby. Come quick! Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl!
TOBY
Ginger, get the popcorn!


C.J.
Toby, I don't think anybody expects this White House to be anything but tough on American companies showing a profit.
TOBY
Damn right.

BARTLET
And hire that girl.
LEO
What girl?
BARTLET
Ainsley Hayes.
LEO
No.
BARTLET
Why?
LEO
'Cause this is one of those things you're excited about after breakfast that you forget you told me to do by lunch.

BARTLET
Leo, as hard as you might try, the Republican Party isn't going anywhere.
LEO
You don't know that for sure, sir, they could all end up moving to Vancouver.


BARTLET
Charlie, I want to hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. Do you think I should do it?

CHARLIE
Absolutely, Mr. President. 'Cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

LEO
See? Charlie just made a joke to you in the Oval Office. That's how bad an idea it is.

SAM
You got lost on your way to work.
C.J.
[warningly] Don't make fun of me.
SAM
I wouldn't worry about that.


SAM
What's going on?
LEO
I wanted to tell you this out where there were people so you wouldn't scream about it.
C.J.
Scream about what?
LEO
The woman who was on Capital Beat with Sam Sunday night.
SAM
What about her?
LEO
I'm offering her a job.
SAM
[sharply] Where?
LEO
Here.
C.J.
Are you kidding?
LEO
No.
C.J.
Are you kidding?
LEO
[more firmly] No.
C.J.
[getting louder] Are you kidding?
LEO
No.
C.J.
[shrieking] Well, what the hell made you think I wouldn't scream where there are people?!

LEO
I took a shot.
SAM and C.J.
[shrieking in unison] Leo!

TOBY
I think President Nimbala's saying that there's more money in giving a white guy an erection than curing a black guy of AIDS.

AINSLEY
I get sick when I drink too much.
LEO
I get drunk when I drink too much.

AINSLEY
How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?
LEO
[firmly] None. [after a moment] C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?

SAM
This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
AINSLEY
Imagine my surprise.
SAM
[getting steadily more emotional] But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded them, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off-the-charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like 'personal freedom' and no one calling 'em on it. [Josh moves away uncomfortably.] It's not about personal freedom, and it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.

AINSLEY
The people that I have met have been extraordinarily qualified, their intent is good. Their commitment is true, they are righteous, and they are patriots. [after a moment, with tears in her eyes] And I'm their lawyer.
[She gets up and walks out.]

JOSH
Okay. Uh, there’s fifty thousand dollars worth of hospital bills they’re saying they don’t cover. You know what that means?
SAM
You may have to get yourself a job mowing lawns after school.

DONNA
You don’t know what it’s about?
SAM
No.
DONNA
You’re a speechwriter.
SAM
I’m the Deputy Communications Director. I don’t do the radio address.


DONNA
They didn’t laugh at the blacksmith joke.
BARTLET
That’s almost hard to believe, Donna.

C.J.
Have you noticed that I'm one of the few people around here whose nose isn't bent out of shape over Ainsley Hayes?
TOBY
You heard the news and you slammed the door so hard it broke, okay? You heard the news and you broke the White House.

C.J.
I'm going to tell you something, Toby: I don't think it's that she's a Republican, I think it's that she's a Republican woman and she’s good-looking.

TOBY
Well, those are three things, when in combination, that usually spell 'careerism,' but...

TOBY
By the way, you are a beautiful woman. And no one around here has ever assumed you were either ambitious or stupid.

C.J.
Hey, has Leo told Tribbey about his new Associate Counsel yet?
TOBY
I'll check the wire to see if any maimings have been reported, but I don't think he's told him yet.

LEO
I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.

AINSLEY
Oh, I just want to die.
LEO
This is the White House, you get used to that feeling.

TRIBBEY
I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!

TRIBBEY
When your guys go to the Hill, they can't drop their testimony on my desk at 9:15 and testify at 9:30! I was ready to take a vacation, Leo! I was going to go someplace warm, with a beach, somebody bringing me drinks with little umbrellas in them! I had this thing closed. Now I've got to go back up there, hat in hand, because the circus is in town!


LEO
She's not an idiot, Lionel. She clerked for Dreifort.
TRIBBEY
Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
LEO
Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.
TRIBBEY
I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the First, Fourth, Fifth, and Ninth amendments,[the basis of right to privacy, i.e. abortions] I will remain intolerant
toward him. [grins at Ainsley] Nice to meet you. [walks outside the office]

TRIBBEY
Mr. President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't possibly work like this!
DONNA
Oh, dear God.

TRIBBEY
Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments, I would like to discuss the hiring of a blonde and leggy fascist whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions in the White House Counsel's office.

BARTLET
Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison. Let's try again.

SAM
Trying to help Josh with his insurance thing. The hospital was “out of network.” Therefore, they're claiming responsibility for only 20% of a life-saving medical procedure. Also, he didn't get the procedure-- [snorts] cleared beforehand.
TOBY
His lung was collapsed, and blood stopped flowing to his brain, and he was supposed to dial up the automated 24-hour customer care service line?

DONNA
Take 17 looked like it was gonna be a keeper till he went on an elocution safari during the word “protuberance”.

JOSH
You could throw out the Bill of Rights.
SAM
Toby tried.
JOSH
[sits] I was kidding.


C.J.
Go back to the Pentagon right now. Tell General Barrie, C.J. Cregg says he’s a coward.

LEO
See, you got to remember that the people you’re talking about live their lives under siege 24 hours every day at a time in their lives where they’re trying with all their might to do good. You’re in their foxhole.
LEO [cont.]
Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl--bam! Here comes the enemy. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Bam! Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house, people shouting at my daughter at the ballgame, editorials, op-eds. “He’s a drunk. He’s dangerous. He should resign.”

AINSLEY
I’m working in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue?
LEO
No, you’re working in your office.


AINSLEY
You're sending me to the Associate Counsel 'cause I speak Republican.
TRIBBEY
Yes. Two staffers in the Communications Office--Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline...
AINSLEY
The two you wanted to kill with your cricket bat for screwing up on possession of the Rockland memo.

AINSLEY
I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
TRIBBEY
[pause] Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
AINSLEY
Yeah.

SAM
[to Leo] You wanted to see me?
LEO
Uh, yeah. I just wanted to tell you that Joyce and Brookline are at it again.
SAM
What'd they do?
LEO
They told Government Affairs that we never had the Rockland memo.
JOSH
I think we did have the Rockland memo.
LEO
We did. Would you talk to the two of them?
SAM
Yeah... I think I also better talk to someone on Government Affairs.
LEO
Tribbey already sent Ainsley Hayes.
SAM
To do what?
LEO
Talk to the Associate Majority...
SAM
That's something I couldn't do?
LEO
He wanted to send a lawyer.
SAM
I'm a lawyer. Everybody in the room's a lawyer.


SAM
You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name.

SAM
You're fired. S. Seaborn.
BROOKLINE
Sam, I don't know who you think you are around here, but you can't fire us.
TRIBBEY
Oh... yes. He can. Leave here, and don't ever come back. It's time for both of you to write your book now.