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A PROPRTIOAL RESPONSE
C.J.
Wow, are you stupid!
JOSH
I really think I’m the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksta feminista! [beat] Whoa. That was way
too far.
C.J.
No, no. Well, I’ve got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean’s-list-two-semesters-in-a-row
Yankee jackass!
JOSH
Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.
I’m a whole new woman.
SAM
I’m resenting the hell out of this conversation.
JOSH
Seriously Charlie, we call the President ‘Sir;’ everyone else is ‘hey, when am I gonna get that thing I
asked for?’
SAM
Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?
CHARLIE
No sir.
SAM
What the hell’s been stopping you? [Josh and Sam laugh.]
SAM
He’s asking if you’re gay, Charlie, and I wouldn’t answer the damn question.
JOSH
All right, that’s it Sam, let’s take a walk. [gets up]
SAM
[to Charlie] You know what, feel free to sue our asses off. I’ll represent you.
Yeah, Sam!
SAM
I don’t mind being held to a higher standard, I mind being held to a lower one.
C.J.
Sam knows the difference between right and wrong and so do you. Would it make my life easier if he wasn’t friends with
this woman? Absolutely. But Sam is a grown-up and I don’t get to choose his friends and your readers don’t get
to judge them. And I’ll tell you what else, there’s something commendable about Sam’s behavior here; don’t
ask me what but there is, and I’m stickin’ by him until the President orders me otherwise and I’m going
to look very unfavorably on those who seek only to make us look like fools.
JOSH
This used to be the White House Council’s office ‘til Toby and the Communications staff conquered and pillaged.
BARTLET
Oh, for crying out loud, will somebody get on the phone to CNN and find out if we hit anything!
FIVE VOTES DOWN
SAM
We try and avoid having the President make aesthetic decisions.
TOBY
[dryly] Well, I own this tuxedo, and I’ve got twenty-three bucks in my pocket.
SAM
I was following you.
JOSH
I was following you. [pause] All right, don’t tell anyone this happened, okay?
LEO
Stop reading the disclosure reports! They’re none of your business.
SAM
Because I can’t help but be reminded of a bright and energetic young White House deputy who took no end of admonition
and grief because of a woman he was friends with.
TOBY
There’s literally no one in the world that I don’t hate right now.
CHARLIE
Mr. President, I left you alone for two minutes.
SAM
[to Toby] So, how do you feet there, big guy?
TOBY
[dryly] Like I just got screwed with my pants on.
SAM
Excellent.
THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN
TOBY
You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn’t so much that you cheat. It’s how brazenly bad you are at
it.
TOBY
It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I’m not gonna recognize Steffi Graf when she’s serving a tennis
ball at me?
JOSH
Right. [stops by a side table to get coffee] Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door
of local gomers that you see, in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job?
TOBY
It’s “Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About... Day”
JOSH
[walks in with C.J.] Sorry we’re late. Is it “Total Crackpot Day” again?
LEO
Yes, it is.
SAM
And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
BOB
We’d like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
SAM
Are we paying any attention at all right now?
BOB
No.
SAM
Thank God. Like we don’t have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.
SAM
Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way, it won’t work out well for me.
BARTLET
There, you see how benevolent I can be, when everyone does what I tell them to do. Now sit down.
BARTLET
Because Sam is right. It’s not that Larry Posner’s movies have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. It’s
that they suck. They’re terrible. But people go to see them because they have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence.
Now, if we could just get people to stop going to see crappy movies, Posner would stop making them. I promise you.
BARTLET
... I couldn’t live without you Toby. I mean it. I’d be in the tall grass. I’d be in the weeds... I know
I disappoint you sometimes. I mean I can sense your disappointment. And I only get mad because I know you’re right a
lot of the times, but you are not the kid in the class with his hand up and whatever it was you said to C.J. You are a wise
and brilliant man, Toby...
ZOEY
And you look like death on a triscuit.
BARTLET [cont.]
I understand that today was another one of Leo’s “Big Block of Cheese” days! You all start out so cynical,
but it never fails. By the end of the day, there’s always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. C.J.
Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the interior department on the necessity of wildlife protection.
[C.J. laughs.] C.J., I don’t mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It’s the segregation. The ACLU is gonna
file a petition on behalf of some reindeer and then we’re all screwed. Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today,
am I right? Sam laughed him out of his office, but you’ve been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest assured,
Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time. A long-since abandoned Soviet satellite, one of its booster
rockets didn’t fire and it couldn’t escape the earth’s orbit--a sad reminder of a time when two powerful
nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. [beat] What will be the next thing that challenges
us, Toby? [looks at Toby] That makes us work harder and go farther? You know, when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered
the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century. Surely, we can do it again. As we did in the time when our eyes
looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God. [beat] Here’s to absent friends,
and the ones that are here now.
MR. WILLIS OF OHIO
TOBY
[to Sam] C’mon Princeton. We’ve got dwindle, we’ve got dwarf.
JOSH
Sam, I’m going back to the office, they’ve got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?
SAM
I was gonna go home.
JOSH
Sam, I’m going back to the office, they’ve got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?
SAM
I’m going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the commerce report.
JOSH
Thank you.
SAM
When I get through with you you’re gonna know everything there is to know about standard data versus sampling data in
the census.
CATHY
Bonnie, would you get Toby a copy of the Constitution?
BONNIE
Is it still in print?
TOBY
Oh for crying out loud! Try Amazon.COM. If they don’t have it then just bust into the glass display case at the National
Archives!
DONNA
Why don’t we wanna give back the money?
JOSH
‘Cause we’re Democrats.
JOSH
We are. The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you’re criminals and despots.
JOSH
Tonight. We’ll go to a bar in Georgetown. We’ll speak as men do.
CHARLIE
We will?
JOSH
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Um... What kind of bar is this Josh?
JOSH
No... It’s fine.
CHARLIE
Okay.
JOSH
Great.
----Hmm, what kind of bar did Charlie *think* it was?...
JOSH
The President’s daughter, Chief of Staff’s daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?
JOSH
Let me tell you something, I could have taken the two guys on the left.
SAM
Those were my guys.
CHARLIE
There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken.
THE STATE DINNER
TOBY
Fine. But I don’t think we should remind people how friendly we were with dictators who oppressed their people while
stealing their money.
SAM
How else are you going to steal people’s money?
TOBY
See, that’s good. Write that in the toast.
BARTLET
I’m sitting out there trying to figure out how this guy could campaign for something and win, then I remembered--we
usually rig the elections.
BARTLET
Where’s Toby sitting?
LEO
With C.J. and Josh and Sam.
BARTLET
Ah, that’s the fun table.
LEO
Yeah.
SAM
Oh, for God’s sakes, it’s Gideon v. Wainwright, 372 US 335. You cite the precedent. You cite Black’s opinion
for the majority.
----And it really *is* just like that!----
JOSH
This is a stand off with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is “put your guns down, you’re under arrest.”
JOSH
This isn’t abstract, Mandy. This isn’t a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come
out with your hands up. At which point, you’re free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
SAM
We look good, don’t we?
[Josh adjusts Sam’s tie.]
MANDY
You guys want to be alone?
----Yes!!----
BARTLET
I’m going to stay right here, as long as the radio works, okay?
ENEMIES
MALLORY
Father... you’ve gone 'round the bend.
TOBY
We’re having difficulty locating our talent.
TOBY
Alright... It couldn’t have gone far, right?
SAM
No.
TOBY
Somewhere in this building... is our talent.
SAM
[looking at Toby] Yes.
SAM
Well, uh... like most people, I’m an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their
soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say
no.
JOSH
Big Sky Federal Reserve, Sam. They want to strip mine the length and breadth of Montana.
SAM
We don’t care.
JOSH
We do care.
SAM
Not today.
----And yet, everyone thinks Sam is some complete tree-hugger, and politically naive.----
SAM
Mr. President, it’s a banking reform bill. That’s the ball game. Let’s not get into an intramural spitball
contest over a couple of rocks that are uninhabitable eight months of the year, anyway.
JOSH
What Sam meant to say was that we can live without the environmental lobby.
SAM
I don’t believe that is what I meant to say, Josh. What I mean to say is it’ll save real people real money.
SAM
Yes, Mr. President. Tell them instead we’d much rather be held hostage by wildlife activists ‘cause that’s
a position that always works well for us, and I think it’s particularly important in the next election that we carry
Montana and its three electoral votes.
JOSH
I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states. I was just hoping he’d start with Delaware.
----And what did Delaware ever do to the two of you, Josh?----
SAM
Are you sure he doesn’t want someone who, you know, isn’t staggeringly overqualified for the job?
MALLORY
During the campaign, you crafted a significant portion of the President’s stump speech. Did you not?
SAM
Yes.
MALLORY
The acceptance speech at the convention...
SAM
Yes.
MALLORY
Inaugural...
SAM
Yes.
MALLORY
State of the Union.
SAM
Yes.
TOBY
Sam’s right. [referring to the strip mining]
----Wow, that might be the only time we ever hear that out of Toby.----
LEO
Hey, baby.
MALLORY
Don’t “hey baby” me, you addle-minded Machiavellian jerk!
---Woo-hoo!---
MALLORY
You’re so exactly like him. [looks at Leo]
SAM
Well, that is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you.
DONNA
[to Josh] What’s wrong with you?
---We've been wondering that for some time now.---
THE SHORT LIST
SAM
Who da man?
TOBY
You da man!
SAM and JOSH
We da men!
---*So* cute!---
JOSH
Well, that depends on your answer to this question, Mrs. Landingham: Who da men?
MRS. LANDINGHAM
Excuse me, Josh?
[Toby is still laughing.]
JOSH
Hmmm... Who da men?
MRS. LANDINGHAM
You da men.
JOSH and SAM
[bump chests] We da men!
TOBY
You da men.
JOSH
Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now, that it’s time
to share.
JOSH
You’re Leo McGarry. You’re not gonna be taken down by this... small fraction of a man. I won’t permit it.
SAM
The third amendment says soldiers can’t be quartered in private homes. The fifth provides protection against self-incrimination,
and the fourth against unreasonable searches. You deny the right to privacy lived in those passages?
HARRISON
No. I do not deny it, but the fact that the framers enumerated those specific protections is all the more reason to believe
that they had no intention of making privacy a de facto right.
SAM
They'd just fought a revolution; they had no question of their freedom. The Bill of Rights wasn meant to codify the most crucial
of those rights, not to limit the others.
HARRISON
I do this for a living, Mr. Seaborn.
SAM
So do I, your honor.
---Go, Sam!---
SAM
In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. One member of the Georgia
delegation had this to say by way of opposition:
“If we list the set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights
enumerated and no more." The framers knew...
HARRISON
Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?
SAM
I wasn’t calling you a fool, sir, the brand new state of Georgia was.
HARRISON
Be that as it may, it’s disgusting. We all know you need me as much as I need you. I read the same polling information
you do. Seven to ten point bump, 90 votes, unanimous out of
committee, I was courted. Now, you have me taken to school by some kid.
[Sam reacts to the remark.]
BARTLET
That Sam is young drives me nuts too, but he took you for a ride, sir, because that’s what I told him to do.
SAM
It’s not about abortion. It’s about the next 20 years. Twenties and thirties, it was the role of government. Fifties
and sixties, it was civil rights. The next two decades, it’s gonna be privacy. I’m talking about the Internet.
I’m talking about cellphones. I’m talking about health records, and who’s gay and who’s not. And
moreover, in a country born on a will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?
IN EXCELSIS DEO
SAM
You got to ask yourself which is more exciting, watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000, or watching it go from
100 to 101?
C.J.
So technically the millennium is still a year away?
SAM
Yeah, but we’ve made all these plans.
C.J.
What’s your Secret Service code name?
SAM
They just changed them.
C.J.
I know; what’s yours?
SAM
Princeton.
C.J.
Sam?
SAM
Yup?
C.J.
What do you and Josh have going on tonight?
SAM
[nervously] Nothing.
C.J.
I just meant did you want to come over for dinner.
SAM
Oh, yeah.
C.J.
What did you think I meant?
---Yeah, Sam, what did you think she meant?---
LORD JOHN MARBURY
MRS. LANDINGHAM
How are you, Josh?
JOSH
I’ve been subpoenaed.
MRS. LANDINGHAM
I’m sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?
SAM
You should bring a lawyer.
JOSH
I am a lawyer.
SAM
Yeah. Seriously, you should bring a real lawyer.
JOSH
Thanks for the pep talk.
SAM
No sweat.
LEO
He’s a lunatic!
BARTLET
He’s colorful.
LEO
He’s certifiable!
SAM
Who?
BARTLET
Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the Court of Saint James.
SAM
Where do we find him?
LEO
A psychiatric institution.
LEO
You’re really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there’s liquor and women?
BARTLET
We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.
SAM
And I’d like to remind you that that’s the seventh time that you’ve reminded him since he sat down.
SAM
He’s not going to tell you the names of people he knows to be alcoholics, move on.
---Ooh, Sam's being all lawyer-y (yeah, pretty sure that's not a word)---
SAM
He’s not obligated to answer that question.
CLAYPOOL
Why not?
SAM
It’s irrelevant to your cause of action under the Freedom of Information Act in which you are seeking any and all documents
relating to Joshua Lyman’s investigation of
illegal drug use in the White House. We go see the judge right now, she’ll sustain my objection.
SAM
We’re going to postpone this deposition.
CLAYPOOL
I’m not nearly finished.
SAM
We’re postponing. You have a problem with it, cite us for contempt.
---Yes! Sam's taking charge!---
SAM
[to Claypool] You’re a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo I’m gonna bust you like a piņata.
---not the greatest threat ever, but still, I think Claypool oughta be quaking in his boots---
SAM
Leo’s in trouble. You’re a political consultant. Your job isn’t to end the fight, it’s to win it!
Now you can work for us or you can work for them, but you can’t do both.
MARBURY
“And I looked, and I beheld a pale horse, and the name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.”
---Rev. 6:8, actually. There's another version, quoted in The Stand, that goes thus:"I saw a pale horse and a pale rider
upon it, And the name of the horse was Pestilence, And the name of the rider was Death."---
HE SHALL, FROM TIME TO TIME...
JOSH
I read the statement you wrote for the President--sensational, Sam. I’m sorry no one’s gonna read it.
SAM
The President’s gonna read it. He’s reading it right now.
JOSH
Sam?
SAM
I don’t care.
JOSH
Leo’s gonna kill us!
SAM
I don’t care. Do you?
JOSH
Nah.
SAM
They want to tear you down, plain and simple. They don’t like you and this is what they do, and for us not to defend
you? I disobeyed you. I apologize, but that’s the way it is.
ABBEY
You’ve got an itch for Sam Seaborn.
MALLORY
I do not have an itch.
ABBEY
A little itch.
ABBEY
Don’t go for the geniuses. They never want to sleep.
BARTLET
Friends, let me have your attention please. A lot of time, energy, passion, wit, skill, and talent went into drafting this,
and while you might not know it from my delivery
later, this is an extraordinary speech. And I say thee yea! Toby Ziegler, and I say thee yea! Sam Seaborn!
BARTLET
[reads] “He shall, from time to time, give to the Congress Information on the State of the Union and recommend to their
Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.”
---Article II, Section 3, to be exact---
OK, nothing in TAKE OUT THE TRASH DAY, so moving on to...
TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY (one of my favourites)
SAM
I don’t talk to the President that way, Bobby. Nobody talks to the President that way. And I’m gonna tell you
not that many people talk to me that way anymore.
SAM
We don’t execute people between sundown Friday and sundown Sunday.
LEO
Why?
SAM
Hard as it is to believe...
LEO
[figures it out for himself] You’re kidding me.
SAM
No.
LEO
We don’t execute people on the Sabbath.
SAM
No.
LEO
Well, that’s about the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard.
SAM
Leo, I think you’re gonna find as you go through this weekend that there’s virtually no part of this discussion
that isn’t bizarre. I’m gonna go home now. I got to race in the morning. [leaves]
LEO
[calls after Sam] Hold on to a rope or something, would ya?
---Poor Sam; I'm sure he only fell once---
MANDY
Is there any evidence that capital punishment serves as a deterrent?
SAM
Speculative evidence at best.
CHARLIE
I wouldn’t want to see him executed, Mr. President --
Bartlet nods.
CHARLIE
-- I’d wanna do it myself.
------And I have no problem with that at all, since Charlie was a victim in that; I just have a problem with the State, which
was not a victim, executing people---
BARTLET
There’s a guy named Simon Cruz on death row. He’s going to be executed in about 36 hours. What do you think I
should do?
JOEY [KENNY]
[thinks] Stay the execution.
BARTLET
Why?
JOEY [KENNY]
Because the state shouldn’t kill people.
TOBY
The Torah doesn’t prohibit capital punishment.
RABBI GLASSMAN
No.
TOBY
It says, “An eye for an eye.”
RABBI GLASSMAN
You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality
is an abomination and punishable by death.
It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time,
but it’s just plain wrong by any modern standard.
Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn’t have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it
doesn’t have to kill.
C.J.
So, here’s my job tonight. If this thing happens. [opens a folder, puts on glasses and starts to read] “At 12:01,
he’ll get the injection...”
MANDY
C.J. [comes next to C.J.’s desk]
C.J.
No, I’m saying, I’m reading it, right here. “The first sign of death will be his hands twitching. After
sixty seconds, he’ll strain against the straps, his head will have
snapped back violently, and after ninety seconds he’ll be in convulsions. At 12:04, he’ll be pronounced dead.”
---And we call ourselves civilised---
SAM
The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who’re under the age of 18 when they committed
a crime.
CHARLIE
Nigeria.
SAM
Pakistan.
CHARLIE
Saudi Arabia and Iran?
SAM
Yeah. So, that’s a list we definitely want to be on.
SAM
Leo, there are times when we are absolutely nowhere.
FATHER CAVANAUGH
“‘Vengeance is mine,’ sayeth the Lord.” You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to
kill people.
BARTLET
I know.
FATHER CAVANAUGH
That was your way out.
BARTLET
I know.
FATHER CAVANAUGH
You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and
flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray.
God loves me. God will save me.” The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, “Hey, hey
you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the man shouted back, “I’m religious.
I pray. God loves me. God will save me.” A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey
you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man shouted
back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned.
And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a
religious man,
I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and
a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?”
[He pauses. Bartlet looks very upset.]
FATHER CAVANAUGH
He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?
CELESTIAL NAVIGATION (another of my favourite eps)
TOBY
That’s what he’s out to do. Has anyone posted bail?
SAM
No.
TOBY
Why not?
SAM
They can’t find a judge.
---There's something ironic about that, isn't there---
SAM [cont.]
You should get that. That’s gonna be the Governor of Connecticut.
---And he's so smug about that---
TOBY
[to Josh] Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?
---and suddenly, Sam and the callgirl seems not so bad---
20 HOURS IN L.A.
BARTLET
I'm sorry. I've actually been told that I have to go now. This is a debate that is obviously going to continue in town halls,
city halls, state legislatures, and the U.S.
House of Representatives. There is a population in this country that seems to focus so much time and energy on this conversation,
so much so that I am forced to ask this
question -- is there an epidemic of flag burning going on that I'm not aware of?
SAM
Sir, I put Cambridge, Aiello and Dane in a headlock to vote our way, let's send them back. We'll lose 53-47 and we can take
the Vice President off the hook.
BARTLET
All right, let's do what Sam said.
THE WHITE HOUSE PRO-AM
CONGRESSMAN
Josh, we're Democrats. Since when do we like lower taxes?
JOSH
You gotta learn the signs.
C.J.
I've got most of the signs.
REESEMAN
I heard the clang and the ow. I figured it must be Sam Seaborn.
DANNY
Well it sounds like...
LEO
Like the place will be lousy with female Democrats?
---'Cause we're all very sexy, y'know---
SAM
Did he mean it or did he mean he wants you to...
C.J.
[sighs] I don't know.
SAM
C.J....
C.J.
I don't have that sign.
SAM
You gotta pick up the signs.
C.J.
I've got most all of them.
SAM
Yeah well, it's an important one to learn.
---Sam's got the signs---
SAM
And I don't believe that exercise is gonna make me any healthier. But I didn't go to medical school, you did. You say so and
I go to the gym.
ABBEY
Hello, pumpkin.
ABBEY
Hello, gumdrop.
SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH
MALLORY
Don't play dumb with me.
SAM
No, honestly I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.
LEO
Sam. Toby. You're about to put a guy on the Supreme Court.
SAM
No. Because you know why? Because I am off duty. Toby and I have spent the last three months putting a guy on the bench. The
sun has set and I have earned my government
salary and then some. I'm done working. And we haven't been out on a date and that's supposed to be tonight. Now we’re
going to go in there and watch C.J. do “The Jackal.” And believe me, if you haven't seen C.J. do “The Jackal,”
then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it was meant to be done. We're going to watch C.J. do “The Jackal” and
then we're going to get a late dinner, after which I may or may not kiss you goodnight. ‘Cause there is something going
on between us, Mallory. But frankly, I don't think you're doing a very good job on your part, so I've decided to take over.
SAM
This draft is done.
[The office staff turns and applauds.]
SAM
This draft is done, and it's done on schedule. On schedule is going to be my middle name from now on. Seriously. I'm having
it legally changed.
CATHY
What was it before?
SAM
Norman.
CATHY
Okay.
MALLORY
He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad.
LEO
No, Mallory. He's really not.
MALLORY
Opposition prep?
LEO
When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side.
MALLORY
[to Sam] You stood there and argued with me.
SAM
Yes.
SAM
Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic, monumental
changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six-figure
salaries. School should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national
defense. That’s my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
MALLORY
[softened] You stood there and argued with me.
SAM
And we can continue the argument. But it's lunchtime now. We're going to have lunch.
MALLORY
You're taking over?
SAM
I'm taking over.
MALLORY
Dad?
LEO
Yes, you may go have lunch with the fascist.
MALLORY
Come along, Sam.
LET BARTLET BE BARTLET
SAM
And a lot of these are not voluntary statements, not by any definition given by any civilian court in this country. It is
not a voluntary statement when it’s given to a
psychotherapist, as in the case of former Marine corporal David Blessing. It is not a voluntary statement when it’s
made in a personal diary, as in the case of former West
Point cadet Nicole Garrison. It is not when it’s made after being asked, as in the case of master chief officer Diane
Kelli. And it is not when it is coerced out of a service
member through fear...through intimidation, through death threats, in terms of criminal prosecution, as in the case of former
Air Force Major Bob Kiddis, former Marine gunnery
sergeant Kevin Keys, and four sailors aboard the U.S.S. Essex.
----Tell 'em, Sam! Damn homophobics----
FITZWALLACE
The problem with that is that what they were saying about me 50 years ago. Blacks shouldn’t serve with Whites. It would
disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I’m an admiral in
the U.S. Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...Beat that with a stick.
---Go Fitz---
SAM
You know, Ken, there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Why does being gay mean you can’t keep your
hands to yourself? Over what kind of gentlemanly pride are the Armed
Forces willing to lay claim to restraint in that area? You want me to get the file on sexual harassment in the D.O.D.? Do
you want me to ask these guys about Tailok?
SAM
It was the same meeting we’ve been having for... [beat] It was fine.
---Poor Sam---
LEO
Sam can’t get real on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell because you’re not gonna be there, and every guy sitting
across the room from him knows that.
EO
You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into
fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight.
LEO
Listen up. Our ground game isn’t working. If we want to walk into walls, I want us running into them full speed.
JOSH
I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.
C.J.
I serve at the pleasure of the President.
SAM
I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.
TOBY
I serve at the pleasure of the President.
MANDATORY MINIMUMS
TOBY
You're going to come to a verb soon, right?
SAM
Okay. You know what this is called?
TOBY
Bad writing?
SAM
Imagery.
TOBY
Any time you want to use punctuation, that'd be fine.
SAM
Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?
TOBY
Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.
SAM
You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hooleelia.
[Everyone looks at Sam.]
TOBY
A what?
SAM
It may not be a word. It may just be something my mother used to say.
SAM
Al's Mr. Good News Happy Guy.
[Bartlet smirks.]
AL
Mr. President.
SAM
Listen to me...
AL
Sir.
TOBY
Listen to Sam.
AL
You don't care if kids shoot up on the playground at recess.
BARTLET
We don't care do we, Sam?
SAM
No, sir.
---Love how this episode shows just how alike Sam and Bartlet really are---
LEO
What'd I miss?
BARTLET
Kiefer's been here 45 minutes, he's already got me on the playground at recess.
LEO
[to Al] Took you 45 minutes?
ONORATO
My boss is ready to set the building on fire.
SAM
Then your boss will be arrested, as I'm quite sure that's against the law.
ONORATO
Look, don't mess with me Sam, I'm serious.
SAM
And I'm tired, and this isn't my thing. Go see Josh.
TOBY
I'm a responsible adult.
ANDY
I'm a member of the United States Congress.
TOBY
I rest my case.
ANDY
Good to get that off your chest there, Pokey?
TOBY
Yes.
SAM
Alright. I want to know what I can do right now.
JOSH
Sam.
SAM
No, right now! At 11:35. I want to know what I can do.
JOSH
Take it easy.
SAM
I won’t take it easy! Give me the phone. [reaches for the phone] I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that
he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!
[Toby and Josh try to get the phone from Sam.]
JOSH
I've already done that.
SAM
I'll do it again.
---You really don't want Sam mad at you, and here's why---
BARTLET
I'm a day closer. There'll be more meetings tomorrow. In the meantime, everybody calm down. Leo’s got your engines fired
like you're running Daytona. That's fine. Keep them
there. Guess what? Mistakes are gonna be made. Minimize them, fix them, move on. Kiefer's numbers got you scared? Listen to
me. I have never lost an election in my life. We do this right, people are going to respond. You all had a good day.
SAM
Sir, something has come up and frankly, it's got me as hot as a pistol. Apparently....
---That must be another thing his mother says---
BARTLET
[to Leo] I'm sleeping better. [beat] When I sleep, I dream about a great discussion with experts and ideas and diction and
energy and honesty. And when I wake up, I think, "I can sell that."
LIES, DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS
---Ah, the introduction of a running theme...---
JOSH
My watch says ten to seven.
DONNA
That’s ‘cause your watch sucks.
JOSH
How do I know it isn’t ten to seven?
DONNA
‘Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S. Navy say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch
sucks in four different time zones.
TOBY
Since when are you an expert on language?
C.J.
In polling models?
TOBY
Okay.
C.J.
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
TOBY
Since long before that.
LEO
Let’s find out. Toby, tell Sam to start the banks.
---See, they were smart this time, and got Sam to do it, who won't do a nutty like Josh---
"Money isn’t speech."
BARTLET
Barry, I’m Jed Bartlet. I understand you’re thinking about helping us out. It makes me so happy.
---Smooth, Mr. President---
JOSH
The briefing isn't supposed to start ‘til eleven.
DONNA
Guess what?
JOSH
My watch sucks?
DONNA
Yes, indeed.
SAM
Toby...
TOBY
I should keep you on a leash, you know that?
---Poor Sam...---
TOBY
Ten-foot chain around your neck. I bolt you to your desk and have someone come in and feed you.
TOBY
He told us about it right after his first contact with her nine months ago. The fact that she was putting herself through
law school, under circumstances that were less than good has to mean something, as is the fact that Sam’s word is unimpeachable.
BARTLET
Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
TOBY
I know it’s strange, sir. But I’m feeling a-a... certain big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously,
I’d like that feeling to go away as soon as possible. But for the moment, I think there’s no danger in the White
House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.
---Aw, I love this part so much! Toby really does like Sam an awful lot, he just doesn't like to acknowlege that---
BARTLET
And you should tell her that if she passes her Bar exam, the U.S. Attorney General will personally see to it that she’s
admitted to the Bar.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Tell her the President of the United States says congratulations on getting her degree.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Not for long. Look, he’s a good man, a smart man; I think he’d make a very good corporate officer.
TED
Why is he being fired, sir?
BARTLET
Gross incompetence. I’ll be right back.
BARTLET
We agree on nothing, Max.
LOBELL
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes, you name it, we disagree.
LOBELL
You know why?
BARTLET
‘Cause I’m a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egg head, communist.
LOBELL
Yes, sir. And I’m a gun-totin’, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
BARTLET
Yes, you are.
---Well, it's nice to see we can all get along---
LOBELL
And what do I get in exchange?
BARTLET
[beat] The thanks of a grateful President.
LOBELL
Good answer, sir.
BARTLET
Okay, what’s next?
Well, it's the Season One finale, WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN; a real cliffhanger, this one was.
BARTLET [VO]
Here’s another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You’re lying!" The
other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out."
---Ah, politician jokes---
BARTLET
Hey, Steve. Hey, Mikey. [to Charlie] Listen, have I got any of the names right so far?
CHARLIE
No, sir, but you came pretty damn close to a couple of them.
TOBY
Sam, if your ass isn’t off my desk, and I mean stat...
---He pretends to be gruff, but Toby really has a soft spot for Sam.---
JOSH
They gave it to both parties! This isn’t free speech or political values, Mr. Vice President. I don’t know how
we’ve done it, but we’ve legalized bribery.
HOYNES
Yup.
JOSH
So, now what we’ve got is two corporate parties - one pro-life, one pro-choice.
---'Pro-life'; that is the most ridiculous bit of euphemistic crap...try 'anti-choice'---
HOYNES
You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I’d listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do
you ever wonder that?
JOSH
No sir, I know it for sure.
CHARLIE
Zoey, I work in a building with the smartest people in the world...
Josh goes to sit down on his non-existent chair and Zoey and Charlie watch him fall to the floor.
---And they say *Sam's* the klutz?---
C.J.
Danny, if by standing up and lying, I misdirected Iraqi intelligence for even half a beat, then it was absolutely worth it.
That’s a no-brainer. And if I didn’t, it was
certainly worth trying. There were only 50 people in the world who can’t understand why I lied this morning, and they
all work in the White House pressroom. I’m sleeping fine tonight.
MRS. LANDINGHAM
You needed to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Do you see me walking out the door?
MRS. LANDINGHAM
No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.
SAM
Toby?
[Sam makes "the signal" when Toby turns around. Toby nods in relief. Toby makes thesignal down in the lobby to Josh, and then
turns around and sighs in relief.]
AGENTS [VO]
Oh, god, we’ve got people down. People down, people down! Who’s been hit? Who’s been hit?
---What a mean way to end a season. Thank God the first time I saw it, I had the other seasons ready to go, and had already
seen some ep.s---
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